I declare war on the stupid strays, who are actually not strays because they belong to my stupid neighbors, that keep pooping outside my house.
WAR, I TELL YOU!!!
Pant. Pant.
So if you’re from Vista Verde, and you have a stupid dog that you cannot control…war-WAR-W A R !!!
I attended the Mass of the Holy Spirit last Friday…probably the last I’ll ever get to visit in a long time. It was so refreshing to listen to a homily that actually made sense again.
It was especially nice seeing my boys again. Too bad that I had to run into a bad case of jelly-jelly that I couldn’t stay longer with them. It really pissed me off and everytime I think about it, I get mad again…so I’ll just stop right here.
I swear, the atrocities of the whole politics of everything.
***
Finally got to have "The Talk" out of the way - it made things incredibly easier to bear.
Right about the same time, M called for an emergency pow-wow. Of course I wanted to go, but I had to get "The Talk" over and done with. It was a long time coming what with having to do this and that pa (always…) but at least it happened.
Very dramatic. Very calm. But now things are better, so there.
***
I’ve been thinking about the bridges I might’ve burned in the pursuit of working things out. I guess that need to please everybody around me becomes so stifling sometimes that I have to stop making such a big deal if the decisions I’ve made did not go so well with other people.
So here, I’ll give it a shot:
Hey, Rest-Of-The-World, SOD OFF.
There. I hope it worked.
No, I do not want to go to the States.
There. I said it.
(Thank you, oh brew of St. Michael.)
As to if this realization will actual result to my not leaving…don’t hold your breath. I’ve lost my ability to make up my mind. I’ve allowed circumstance (who goes by the name ***) to whisk me away and be part of a plan that other people made for me because apparently, they know me better than I know myself.
(See that the Door of Bitterness doesn’t hit you on your way out.)
Ever lived in a haunted place?
I do. And for those who know me more than I want them to…no, they’re not the ghosts in my head. They’re real ghosts. Or at least it’s just one ghost.
It’s weird trying to live harmoniously with a ghost. We more or less have our own spaces in the house. Although I think he gets to "own" a lot more than I do - but I can live with that.
Last night, I wanted to actually talk to him (because I know it’s a guy…) so I was sort of willing myself to see him, like in full ghoul-y form. I thought he’d have that Slimer-esque, ectoplasmic glow. And then I was worried because maybe he wasn’t a ghost-ghost but like a capre ghost or tikbalang ghost. Then I wouldn’t want to see them anymore.
Anyway, so I stayed up until 3. Ha! It creeped me out but, there’s really nothing else to do.
What did I find out?
1. Apparently, there’s a cat family that inhabits my balcony at night. (That’s why I keep sneezing whenever I sunbathe…)
2. The tree right by our gate looks like a lady holding her skirt up just when she’s about to jump over a puddle or something. And it needs to be trimmed because the leaves are grazing the electric wires already.
3. The floorboards near the wall near my bed need to be replaced.
4. I bit my nails to the quick, and I missed the squishy, soft-as-a-baby’s-bum feel of newly shortened fingernails…but they hurt.
5. I’m a horribly bad person. Like bad, really bad. I don’t know why, but I hated myself last night…I still do (so bender, here I come!) But then, I’ve been going through a funk these past couple of days anyway.
Did the ghost eventually appear? No, I fell asleep. I didn’t even dream about him. But who knows, maybe that was already the length and breadth of our conversation.
It’s come to the point where it’s almost scary to be so free to do anything. At least I still make the sheets when I wake up in the morning. And I still bathe. But I subsist purely on fast food now (except weekends, thanks to Chad.)
I’m having second thoughts about going to the States. Sort of. Well, I’m having second thoughts about having second thoughts…and I’m not exactly sure where I began second thinking so I’m sort of in the middle of thinking secondarily (?).
Or maybe it’s the fear of everything that awaits me when I get there. Going back to school at age 25 is no laughing matter. I have this sense of let’s-just-get-it-over-with. Ugh. There’s too much to do in so little time. December’s like a hiccup away. Yech.
And yes, I do have too much time to mull over things.
Waking up in the morning with sweat on your forehead is an unpleasant experience.
Yesterday. Now what’s up with that heat, right? So I figured, why fight it? I say, bring it on, Sun. So I gathered semi-dirty towels and sunbathed in my balcony. At noon.
I did it again this morning, er, noon.
When the heat gets to you, your mind turns all mushy. I started thinking about painting the house myself and yanking some of the floorboards to check where all those damned ants were coming from.
And I finally decided that before I leave the Philippines, I will write that short story, damnit.
Now that I’m in the shade though, I dunno. I’ve come back to worrying about where to get money from now till December.
But tomorrow, I shall defy the gods and say I am immune from skin cancer and commune with the noon sun again. I can’t wait to find out what insane undertakings I’ll think of doing next.
This is my last day here at work and I’m feeling absolutely giddy. I think that’s why I wasn’t able to sleep last night (sure, it’s not the insomnia…) I was so excited to start my last day.
The trainees were so sweet. They gave me a going-away card and everyone’s been telling me how sad they felt about my leaving. I’m sorta sad to leave them, too, but the anticipation of actually being rid of this company is just too intense.
As Liesl said upon tasting her first kiss in the gazebo…”WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (please insert rain-drenched dress and tresses.)
How does freedom feel?
Immobilizing. And yet I’m dancing. Does that even make sense?
