Echo

I enter a room with my eyes cast down because I don’t want to meet anyone’s gaze. Or worse, I don’t want to see people deliberately looking down in the futile attempt to not stare. I always manage to get to class really early so that I get first dibs on the front seat because, well, my eyes are especially bad under fluorescent lights, and so that I won’t have to see everyone staring at me.

That’s Grand Rapids racism for you. Polite, Dutch, and so underhanded that it sinks under your skin until you virtually wallow in their politeness. And oh how they seem to gloat and bask under the foolish notion that by being polite they are being diverse. So Polite. "Oh, I knew a Filipino once. Isn’t that funny?" Hahaha. LOL. ROTFL. ROTFI’mfrikkinL. So bloody polite.

Discussions are worse. There are so many things I would like to say, but I can’t say it. I find my classmates are surprised that I can say so much, so they are rendered silent. Or my "unaccented" English (read: I pronounce the words according to what is written in the dictionary - oh totally mea culpa…*poop*) makes it difficult for them to understand what I’m saying, so they are rendered silent. Or, oddly enough, my having taught in a third world country for three years with resources that pales in comparison to theirs, has actually given me richer experiences, so I am rendered silent. I am rendered silent because I am in a room full of teachers who keep complaining about the system or work load or whatnot - and I am rendered silent because these people have no clue how lucky they are.

I am tearing up as I write this and I don’t know why. No, I do know why. Can you imagine what the Philippines can accomplish if only we were given access to the same kind of resources? It is unfair and I want to childishly stomp my foot at all the powers that be that make it difficult and impossible for our children to gain access to quality education.

I am also soooo frustrated with my classmates! They complain and complain and complain - and yet they have so much already! They feel as if the school administration, the government, the WORLD owes them so much because they are citizens of the strongest nation of the world. They should use their strength to champion the cause of the weak.

I thought that was why we became teachers in the first place.

I am so disheartened.

Yes, tomorrow I shall probably be better. I’ll use this to motivate me to work harder to somehow put all of this to use so that I could make things better back home. But right now, I just want to be really, really, really frustrated.